I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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