I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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