here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
This is the high leading the old right now
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
