He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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