someone threw a dead crab at me
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
