So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
