Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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