So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
