she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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