I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
