Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
