I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
