everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
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I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
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Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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