I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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