at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
