I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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