This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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