If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
