I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He shit in the fireplace
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