I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
