my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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