I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
