i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
