It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
