fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just cut my nipple shaving
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
