Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
