it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
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I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
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I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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