you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
