worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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