Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
