We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
