the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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