OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
