Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
