Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
