better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
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You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
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Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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