I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
