Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
