i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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