did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
