Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
