I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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