I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
