Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
