Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
