woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
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You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
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I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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