One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
