i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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