Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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