3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
