Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
