my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
