Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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