Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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