My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
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By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
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I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I have tasted many bathrooms
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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