i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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